My Boyfriend Wants To Make Out…


I get a lot of questions about sexuality. This is obviously a huge part of our lives.  As Christians we are inundated with sexual images on TV, on the internet in magazines, on the sides of buses, at the grocery store checkout line, it seems that our culture is obsessed with sex and has perverted it from what God originally intended it to be.  Sex is meant to be a means of grace in a marriage.    Sex is intended by God to be a good thing to bring the couple closer together, to become one flesh.

From an 18 year old girl: “My boyfriend wants to make out with me.  How far can we go before it is sinful?”

I was not surprised by this question, because most Christian parents do not want to deal with this issue.  They do a great job of protecting their kids from sex.  They censor everything from the tv, to the bible.  Some things we need to shelter our very young kids from and sex is one of them.  But when an 18 year old is asking a blogger this question, I wonder why the parents have not taught her and her boyfriend about what God intends sex for.  So parents, before your teen moves out, starts dating, or starts bypassing the “family filter” on the computer, you need to speak of these things with them.  Equip them to deal with the world, and sex, and desires, and to understand what sex is meant to be.

Ok I am done ranting at the parents.

A simple answer to this question is that you are looking at it all wrong when you start wondering where the line is and how close you can get to that line before it becomes sin.  Instead of asking how far you can go, you should ask how you can glorify God in your relationship.

But what is so wrong with two consenting, unmarried adults taking pleasure in each other’s bodies? That is the question of a world that idolizes the pleasure of sexual sin.  In the case of the questioner it is not even sexual intercourse, it is just “making out.” What’s the harm in that? I am going to show how making out is the same as having sex.  How can I say this? A baby will not be made from making out!  When we think of the word “sex” we tend to think of sexual intercourse between two consenting adults. But this is not what God means by it. When God speaks of sex he means the marriage covenant between a man and woman. When God addresses sexual sin in the 10 Commandments, he says “adultery”.  When God speaks of sex in the commandments he thinks of marriage.

In our culture we are told that our bodies are ours. Do what you want, do what feels good, because its your life, your body. You have a right to do what you want with your own body. Our bodies are not our own, they belong to God.  God created them and he owns them.  Our bodies bear his image and God alone has the right to them.  He has the right to tell us that we can only enjoy another’s body in a marriage relationship; this includes looking at someone’s figure, viewing another person’s nakedness, it includes making out, sexual touching and it obviously includes the act of sexual intercourse.  Jesus tells us that a man who has looked lustfully on a woman has already committed adultery with her in his heart.  Sexual intercourse, making out, looking at pornography or staring lustfully at the girl at school is all sin against the 7th commandment.

In proverbs we read

With persuasive words she led him astray;
she seduced him with her smooth talk.
22 All at once he followed her
like an ox going to the slaughter,
like a deer stepping into a noose
23     till an arrow pierces his liver,
like a bird darting into a snare,
little knowing it will cost him his life.

It will cost you your life. Sexual immorality is death. Making out is the same as having sexual intercourse or looking at pornography. It is lethal both for this life and the next. Those who are unrepentant and persistent in their sexual sin have no inheritance in the kingdom of God. Sexual sin leads to death.

I would like to address the questioner’s boyfriend. By asking her to make out, you intend to take what is not yours. Yes you do. You do not have a right to your girlfriend’s body in any way. It belongs to God, not you and not her.  And even if she is willing to make out she doesn’t have the right to give her body to you outside of marriage. Her consenting to make out, or touch her or look at her or have sexual intercourse is the same as the two of you going through her mom’s purse.  She pulls out the wallet, takes out the credit card and say’s to you, go ahead and take it, my mom lets me use it.  Is it stealing if you take it? Is it hers to give you? No.  It is not.  The Credit card is her mom’s; her body is God’s.

So to my young reader, if you really want to know where the line is, have your boyfriend ask your dad what he thinks about the two of you making out. Or ask your pastor or elder what they think. I know they will give you the same answer.  But if you want an answer for what the line is for physical contact, I think it would be ok to hold hands while praying at the dinner table or while having devotions, in this instance Christ is central you are focused on God not on your own sinful pleasures.  Is kissing your boyfriend permissible at all? Well, do you kiss your mom or grandmother or grandfather?  Kissing your boyfriend in the same manner as you would kiss your grandfather is ok, but not deep kissing or french kissing. There is a reason the minister says at the wedding ceremony, “you may kiss the bride,” because now, after marriage, you are allowed to enjoy each other physically.

Yes I am an idealist.  But these are God’s ideals, not mine.


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  1. James Kanis says:

    Thanks for the insight, Ryan. I found the question itself meant that it was gnawing at the conscience already.

    For analogy, “He that looketh on a plate of ham and eggs hath already committed breakfast with it in his heart.” -CS Lewis

  2. Anthony Vandergugten says:

    I would encourage all parents of teens and teens themselves to read through, “Boy Meets Girl” by Joshua Harris ( ) It is well worth the read. He offers many good insights and direction for courtship that aims to be God centered.

  3. Janelle says:

    enjoyed this blog, teens need to be told this, just to put a comment out there. Alot of young people think that just because they are not having sex they are ok, but they should know not having sex doesn’t mean they are staying pure before God.

    • Very true Janelle. I think that most Christians go through the “we can;t have sex, but we can do ‘this’ stage of a relationship.. When we get to that point we need to step back and look at what we are doing, we are trying to find loopholes in the law so to speak. And this is certainly not glorifying to God.

  4. Tom Schouten says:

    In 1 corinthians 7 it says: “Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time…”
    If making out is the same as sex, does this then mean that a wife can give her husband a somewhat passionate kiss and not be depriving him?
    Also earlier in chapter 7 it says: “The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to here husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.” Why would it say this, if our bodies were not at all ours to begin with?
    Also, is it then wrong for a man who is just about to marry his fiance to want to have sex with her?
    I agree with the main idea you have, which is to not be sexually immoral, but it is not as cut and dried as you say.
    Or maybe, I have two boys and you have to girls so we think about things a little differently:)

    • Tom, I don’t why I check responses at 1150pm…oh well I am into it now 🙂

      I beg to differ. It is that cut and dried.

      Let’s start at the beginning. The very… beginning. God rules the world because he made the world. He made it, and he owns it. It is HIS, no one else’s. He also made us, humanity. He created us in his image, and put us in charge of the world—to rule it, to care for it, to be responsible for it, and to enjoy it. He appointed US to supervise and look after the world, but always under his authority. So the earth was given to us to subdue, but it is still not ours…

      Now, I mentioned that he also made us. As the creator he owns us, he gave us life to glorify him, and bodies to rule and be good stewards of. But we messed up and sin entered the picture. God gave us over to our sinful desires and let us sin. So we think that we are in charge of the earth and our bodies…but we are not. God had mercy on us. He did not want for us to die and be forever separated from him. So he gave us his son, Jesus Christ, as expiation for our sins. Jesus came and lived a sinless life, died and defeated death. In so doing, he restored humanity’s rule over earth. But we don’t rule…HE rules now. Him and him alone. And Because He died for his covenant children. He owns us. I assume you know Lord’s Day one of the Heidelberg Catechism. What are the first 6 words of answer 1 in this document which we as reformed Christians adhere to as a faithful confession of the scripture?

      “That I am not my own,”

      What is the second part of this sentences?

      “but belong with body and soul, both in life and in death, to my faithful Saviour Jesus Christ.”

      I will let you look up the proof texts 🙂 It does not get any more cut and dried than that.

      As man, we are prideful, selfish, egotistical. We prefer to follow our own selfish desires, and to run things our own way, without God. This is sin. God created us and bought us. We are simply stewards of our bodies, we don’t own them. If you want to get real technical, God has appointed that I look after my girls, that I am accountable for thier spiritual well being, this includes all fo thier sins, until I give her hand to another and he takes the responsibility of being her spiritual head.

      in response to you first point…Let me ask you this. You just have devotions with your wife. You are clearly in an intimate state between you, yourself and your Lord. Then your wife kisses you goodnight and she lingers there passionately…It is not very often that this will end with just a kiss. If you are abstaining for a time that would mean all forms of physical intimacy. What is making out? Is it a simple kiss? Or is it far more than that? Perhaps we need to define this as well. Or if making out and sex are not hte same, do think that your wife would be ok with you making out with another woman? It is not sex so it must not be cheating….right?

      Is it wrong for a an unmarried man to want to have sex with an unmarried woman? Is that what you asked? Engaged does not equal married.

      And yes I have two girls, I know how I used to think, I know how you used to think and how 99% of men think… your boys had better behave themselves around my girls 🙂

  5. Rob Schouten says:

    As I sometimes tell both young and older single people, if you don’t want to be on the free-way, don’t get on the on-ramp. Once there, it’s almost impossible to get off again. As for what constitutes on-ramp activities, I won’t attempt to define that in a blog comment. However, I do know that some ethnic Christian sub-cultures in Canada discourage kissing before marriage on the grounds that kissing is intimate on-ramp activity. I think there is wisdom in this.

    • That is a good analogy Rev. Schouten, and I agree with what you say here. Perhaps you could elaborate on what constitutes “on-ramp activities” sometime in the future on Keep Ablaze 🙂

  6. Derrick says:

    Just reading a few of the top posts on here, and this one caught my attention.

    I just have one thought for those who want to be intimate (in whichever way) before marriage:

    If you think intimacy before marriage feels good, you have no idea what intimacy based on the commitment of godly marriage is like: it just doesn’t compare.

    God designed intimacy for commitment – engaged isn’t committed yet. You want to go further while engaged? No one says you’ve got to delay the wedding any longer. You want to miss out on the pinnacle of God’s blessings? Choose second-best. No one’s stopping you. But take a read through Judges and 1st Samuel first. Lots of stories of people choosing second-best (other than God’ design). See if that’s what you want.

    God’s design is always, and forever, best (and nothing else can compare).