As My Dark Night Waxes


I know people who are struggling far worse than I am right now. But I am dealing with depression in some form.  Teresa says it is not as bad as it was a number of years ago when I went for counselling, but I have been really struggling of late. It’s been years since I have felt like this, sort of hollow, desperate…hopeless.  The last time was due to my turning my back on God and embracing sin, as well as biological factors.

What is it this time?

I dunno.


And it hurts to admit that I feel like this…

Because my mind tells me it is wrong to feel like this…

How can a Christian be hopeless?  Isn’t that not allowed?  On top of that, I am blessed with abundance. I have a beautiful wife who loves me, a family, a job, and a great church family. I really never thought I would feel like this ever again.  Why? Cuz Jesus saved me…and pulled me out of my pit of despair, out of my sin and sent me down a path in his strength, and I have been on an upward trend, for the most part, spiritually and emotionally for the last 6 or so years.

But here it is…

And yes, Teresa is correct, this is not as bad as it was before. So it could just be a bad case of seasonal affective disorder, that’s what it usually is this time of year. But it feels different, harder, more incessant, darker and it has been progressively closing in on me for a while now… No it’s not unconfessed sin or anything of that nature.  It could be a bunch of small stresses piling up or it could be something that needs professional attention. I am keeping tabs on it, keeping in touch with people, and will seek help if it gets any worse.  Kinda weird to hear someone talk openly about this isn’t it?  It’s just as weird  to admit it publicly…


This evening family advent devotions was Psalm 119:105:

Your word is a lamp for my feet,

a light on my path.

I was trying to explain to the girls what this means. Living in the 21st century they think of propane lanterns and 100 watt light bulbs and could not fathom what the text was saying. So to demonstrate how a lamp works to light your feet, I took them into a room, walked them to the middle of it, shut the door and turned off the lights.

Kaitlyn (8yo) & Meagan(5yo): “WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHERE ARE YOU? IT’S SCARY IN THE DARK!!!!

Me: “Can you see anything?”

K&M: “NO!  Turn the lights on!”

I lit a small candle and held it up to head level for the girls. “Can you see now?”

K&M: “Yeah.”

Me: “Can you see the wall?”

Kaitlyn: “Not really.”

Me: “Can you see your feet?”

K&M: “Yes.”

Me: “Can you see the things you might bump into?”

K & M: “Yes.”

Me : “Even though it is still dark in the room, and you can’t see very far at all, God’s Word will be a light to your feet and a light for your path like this candle.  No matter how dark it gets, there is always hope, you will always find your way, because even a little bit of light will remove the darkness. Always hold on to the Word.”

Not sure if they understood, but in the middle of explaining it to the girls, I realized I was preaching to myself…

If it is a biological depression, then I may need professional help or meds, but right now I am treating this as emotional/Spiritual.  In my weakness I know that Jesus is strong enough.

He is good enough.

He is enough.

I will cling to the light of the Word as my dark night waxes.

Your word is a lamp for my feet,
    a light on my path.
I have taken an oath and confirmed it,
    that I will follow your righteous laws.
I have suffered much;
    preserve my life, Lord, according to your word.
Accept, Lord, the willing praise of my mouth,
    and teach me your laws.
Though I constantly take my life in my hands,
    I will not forget your law.
The wicked have set a snare for me,
    but I have not strayed from your precepts.
Your statutes are my heritage forever;
    they are the joy of my heart.
My heart is set on keeping your decrees
    to the very end.

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  1. Alfred Blom says:

    You are not alone, my friend.

  2. says:

    Never give up on yourself, Ryan. HE did not give up on you, (or on me), instead he sent His Son. Blessings and regards. Peter.

  3. coosje says:

    I love your honesty, Ryan. Too many of us (men mostly) suffer in silence. That dark hole is hard place to be on your own, and yest God does not abandon. He still is good. And you know it. Will pray for you today.

  4. Yvonne says:

    Thinking of you, Ryan, and will keep you in my prayers! And I love the demonstration that you used with your girls in relation to Psalm 119!

  5. God bless you for sharing. We will lift you up in our prayers. Thankfully, faith is a gift from God that does not rely on our emotion. When our emotions fail us, or run amok, our faith in Christ can hold firmly. Though we’ve not met, we are brothers in Him.

    Romans 8:38-39 (ESV) 38 For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.