My Cancer Journey: Part 10: Is It Over Yet?
I haven’t posted a journey update on the blog for family and friends in almost 2 weeks. The reason is that the chemo, it seems, has finally caught up with me. I have not been well over this time, and sitting at the computer is just not appealing. I am going to skip the journal format this post, as I cannot recall specifics of what happened the past two weeks.
I lost 10 pounds which though mostly due to nausea, was also due to the nasty metallic taste in my mouth. Eating is not appealing when everything tastes like a vial full of rusty water and metal shavings. But this morning, as the metallic taste in my mouth dissipates, I find that my appetite grows. Even as I write this, I dream of eating a medium rare New York Strip Loin, and a spicy tuna roll, and a soft boiled egg on toast…smoked salmon… oh I miss my under-cooked food LOL!
I was nauseated for most of the past 2 weeks. Although now the nausea, it seems and I hope, has finally passed. Now it is the fatigue which persists…
It is all but all consuming.
To make matters worse, I have been having trouble sleeping lately. That is to be expected during the hard week, as the steroid keeps me up at night, but the sleeplessness has has continued well passed last week. In an attempt to right my sleeping patterns, last night I forced myself to stay up til 11pm, but when I turned out my light, I just lay awake until 2am. I only managed about 5 hours sleep. On top of it, the tinnitus is back in both ears, it comes and goes, off and on, all night through. It is like a having a very tiny, but very real, fire alarm blare at random times in your head throughout the night. I also had this weird excessive saliva thing happening; feeling the need to spit every 2 minutes is really frustrating when trying to fall asleep.
The neuropathy has been getting progressively worse this week. It is now in all the fingers on my left hand and in 3 on my right. My fingers are numb and tingly until I use them, then they feel like they are on fire. It is quite difficult to use my hands right now. I have become quite the clutz, dropping everything.
Despite these things, according to the medical staff I am apparently handling the chemo well. Right. I guess, I have not developed any infections or pneumonia, which is good!
The hardest thing for me, is not the nausea or the fatigue, or the brain fog, or the physical challenges. It is the family stuff. It is hard to be weak and to not have any energy for the kids. I still try to spend about 10-15 minutes with each kid alone before bed, but its hard and often I just sit there blankly and they chatter on while I try to focus.
As well, Teresa used to carry a portion of the family burden. Now she carries the entire burden, with the added bonus of a sick husband. That can be difficult for me sometimes. I am truly blessed to have her as my wife.
And in the midst of all this noise, a song lyric plays in my head…
I know you’re good
But this don’t feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It’s hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you’re God
And I am not
So, Thy will be done
Now, there are positive things in all this. One of the things I learned is that I was quite an impatient person, but through this trial I am actually learning patience. Finally. As well, the Lord has been near to me through all of this. So many of you continue to reach out to us in love, with gifts of support, food, baking, and so on, which means so much to us. We are truly blessed.
So, I am just about done chemo. I am in the third round, and only have one treatment day left. On Monday.
I am so thankful for that.
Almost through the nastiness.
Thanks for reading. Thanks for your prayers and support.
God is good.
Now, I am so tired. I think it is time for a nap.