Worried about Worrying about Worrying.
Where is the line between sinful worry and anxiety as a metal illness?
I have often wondered that.
I read this today:
Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.
Deep calls to deep
at the roar of your waterfalls;
all your breakers and your waves
have gone over me. (Psalm 42:5-7)
I think we all experience this from time to time. Right? Usually our stress is purely something situational…like work slowing down, or an impending CT Scan, or getting fired, or something like that. But for some of us it is all consuming. I have been there where every thought is held captive, and an overwhelming sense of dread takes control. Every nerve ending in your body is triggered by everything, and you cant sleep, or eat, and you feel sick all the time, paralyzed by choices, or the lack of them, and life just wont slow down. These things that bother you, and rule you, others can just shrug off.
I’ve been there before.
I get it.
Yet I don’t get it at all.
Now here I sit in the darkest of the dark days of the year, when my mood often changes to close match with the weather. At the same time the bank account shrinks and the phone isn’t ringing. I can’t sleep, because when I lay down my brain decides its time to play, “ok body. You need to keep up with me. Lets go for a run! I need to close that deal, I need to call this person, I need to email that person, how can I get my SEO up, oh I have to have coffee with that property manager and I think i lost his number ibetileftitinthetruckohwherearemykeysdidilockthedoorwhatsthatsmellisthatfire…” …
Then I wonder,
“Is my losing sleep while thinking about ways to drive business, simply a sinful and fruitless endevour, or is it a mental illness?”
I have struggled with anxiety and depression in the past. But is this just my sinful nature taking over and me doing the opposite of what the Saviour taught, or is it due to the fallen brokeness of this world, and that my mind is prone to wander into the depths of the abyss?
Wait…am I worrying that I might start worrying about my worrying?
I don’t know the answer. All I do know is that there is a God. Regardless of whether it is mental illness or my sinful nature worrying, God is bigger than any problem I have.
Whether it is cancer – even that 2cm residual growth in my abdomen.
Or the pain in my hands from chemo that just wont leave,
Whether it is that I am struggling with worry and stress,
Or that I am not able to go to school this semester,
Or that work has dried up,
Or the fact that my feet hurt, and I am overweight, and my pants don’t fit, and I am shaped like a donut….mmmm…boston creme
God is bigger than any of these problems, and loves us enough to seek our highest good in the midst of every situation.
Welp. I hope that this little post helped you…I am not sure it helped me. I am off to go lift exceedingly heavy metallic objects over my head while grunting loudly and sweating profusely. That should oughta help.