A Canadian, Reformed, Mega Church
Reports out of Hamilton, Ontario, from the 58th annual general synod, suggest that in an effort to more effectively reach their local communities, 17 of the local churches in Classis Ontario Westside and Classis Ontario Midwest will join together to form a single congregation. The congregation will boast a membership of just over 14,000. With 8,800 communicant members, this will become the single largest Protestant congregation in all of Canada.
“This is certainly an historic occasion! There are so many of us Reformed folk packed into in this area, we thought, ‘Why not?’ I mean, other churches seem to have success in reaching their communities and seeing conversions with this model.”, stated an exuberant Dr. Dirk Vanblooughhaard, Professor of New Testament Eisegesis at the Hamilton Reformed Seminary.
When asked where a congregation of that size would gather for worship, Vanblooughhaard stated that, ” We considered meeting at First Ontario Centre, which may still happen, but the plan for now is to continue using all 17 church buildings. Rather than continue as local congregations, each will become satellite campuses, with the Hamilton Reformed Seminary being the central hub. Each campus will receive a new 250 inch jumbo-tron style screen and the sermons will be preached from a studio at the seminary and live streamed to each campus!”
When asked what would become of each local minister, Vanblooughhaard excitedly responded, “Each minister has received a new title – ‘Executive Pastor of Preaching, Evangelism, Teaching, Families, Visitation, Outreach, Counselling and Vision Casting’.” Vanblooughhaard continues,“This will lighten each pastor’s workload significantly, as each will only have to preach 6 sermons per year! They will continue to lead the services at each campus, but will now be able to sit with their families more often. During the week they get to focus more effort on the practical side of things like on evangelism, outreach, visitation, and drinking coffee with college students.”
The local young peoples societies have already made plans for installing PS4’s in the sound booths, to coordinate “NHL16” video game tournaments on the giant screens after the services for the local communities. According to one enthusiastic YP rep, “All kids like playing video games, this will definitely help in outreach!”
A name for the new mega church has yet to be decided upon, the “Revisioned Reformatted Central Canadian Evangelical Reformed Church in Mecca” was suggested by one seemingly disgruntled parishoner, but was quickly vetoed by the Unified Committee for Rebranding.